The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

Which Hole?

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

Parent Guidence is needed.

Spoiler:

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor I work at great depths I plunge head first into everything I do I do not get weekends off or public holidays I work in a damp environment I don't get paid overtime I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation I work in high temperatures My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight You fall asleep on the job after brief work period You do not always follow the orders of the management team You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing You'll retire well before reaching 65 You're unable to work double shifts You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags. Sincerely, The Management

What's the difference between stress, tension & panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant, tension is when g/f is pregnant & panic is when both r pregnant

One day, a matchstick feels his head damn itchy so he scratch it furiously and suddenly *POOF* , his head burst into a flame! "NBCB!!", he started cursing. He was then admitted to the hospital. So now, guess what he became when he was discharged the next day?

Ans: Cotton bud lor. Whole head bandaged mah

There is this guy who has a 25 inch ####. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his #### smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his c*** will shrink 5 inches.

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: "No, I won't marry you."

The guys #### shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"

Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

nice 1 there bro! keep it going...

A husband is readin his newspaper on a peaceful sunday morning. his wife walk at to him n started to sing @ e top of her voice. her off tone singing is startin to ruin e husband quiet morning. feeling annoyed, he praised her n told his wife she should go to e radio station n sing for e whole country... e wife was so happy as she sing her way to e radio station... after e wife had left, e husband uttered to himself," at least i can turn u off on radio."

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for
$19.95,Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach! Barbie for $19.95, Disco
Barbie for $19.95, Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer
and...One of Ken's Friends.

Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble." The little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads:

I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped you kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else.

She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads:

Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" She asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

3 good man died together and went to heaven. they met St Peter who tell them that becuase that they were good men when they are alive, they get to roam heaven till judgement day but be warn says the saint. DO NOT step on the PINk cloud..
so off they go roaming heaven..then they came across the pink cloud. ot of curiousity, the first guy step on it and "poof".. out from nowhere appear the most ugliest women but strangely they fall in madly in love. the secind guy tot that he do any goods deeds than the 1st one, his luck might be better then he proceed to step on it then "poof". appear an even uglier woman than the first one but strangely, they fall in love also..
so the third guy heed the saint's warning then suddenly, "poof" appear the most beautiful woman one can ever magine than they fall in love.. while the 3 couples were walking, they came across St peter and proceed to ask him..
"how come the 3rd guy get the beautiful one whereas we get the ugliest one"
then the beautiful wioman spoke," erm..... i step on the pink cloud.."

A little kid saw his mommy pumping it on top of daddy and runs up to ask whats going on ... so mommy say.. oh i am making your daddy's tummy smaller as hes getting fat........


---- so the kid repies "That's no use mommy, cos i saw our next door neigbour come and blow him up again when you go out !

Tell me the Time


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet. While shopping in a small
village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down
at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room.
After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an english speaking local, the
couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with
his donkey.

"Excuse me," the husband says, "could you tell us the time?"

"Absolutely", replies the elderly man, and with that he reaches down
and lifts the donkey's balls. "It is 3:10", the man exclaims.

"Thank you" replies the wife in a surprised voice. And the couple
continues on their way. After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to
eat. The couple return to the old man for the time.

Again the elderly man lifts the donkey's balls and says, "It is now
4:45."

By this time the husband is completely amazed. "Please show me how you
can tell the time simply by lifting this donkey's balls!"

"Certainly," the elderly man replies motioning for the couple to come
closer. "Sit here where I am," the man begins. "Now, do you see the
donkey's balls?"

"Of course", the man replies.

"Now reach down and take them into your hand." Hesitantly the husband
does as he is instructed, after all, this could prove to be an
enlightening experience. "Now, slowly lift the donkey's balls", he continues.
Again the husband does as he is instructed.

"Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front
legs." The husband does just that.

"Now" the man says, "can you see the clock on the wall of that building
over there?"

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His
wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me
that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She
opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you cant count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets." So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring......

A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!

BEFORE MARRIAGE

John- Ah... at last. I can hardly wait!
Jane- Do you want me to leave?
John- NO! Don't even think about it.
Jane- Do you love me?
John- Of Course! Always have and always will!
Jane- Have you ever cheated on me?
John- NO! Why are you even asking?
Jane- Will you kiss me?
John- Every chance i get!
Jane- will you hit me?
John- Hell no! Are you crazy ?!
Jane- Can I Trust you?
John- Yes!
Jane- Darling!!!

AFTER MARRIAGE
Read from bottom back to the top

haha... that's a nice one! anyway thanks for joining!

wah! after so long, finally got a new member.

某天夜裡, 一名裸男叫了一輛計程車,
女司機目不轉睛盯著他看.
裸男大怒，罵：「你他媽的沒見過裸男呀 ! 」
女司機也大怒：「我看你他媽的從哪裡掏錢 !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

有個老頭去看醫生，告訴醫生他的腸胃有問題。
醫生問他：「你的大便規律嗎？」
老頭說：「很規律，每天早上八點鐘準時大便。」
醫生說：「那麼，你還有什麼問題？」
老頭說：「問題是，我每天早上九點鐘才起床。」 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
一位救生員向一名泳客抗議：「我已經注意了你三天了，先生，你不能在游泳池小便。」 泳客：「每個人都在游泳池小便。」
救生員：「沒錯！先生，但只有你站在跳板上。」 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
阿萍﹕『為什麼【男】字上面是個田字呢？』
阿玲﹕『因為古時候的男人都在田裡工作。』
阿萍﹕『那為什麼下面要加個力字呢？』
阿玲﹕『笨蛋！男人下面沒力還叫男人嗎！？』 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
某大公司老闆巡視倉庫，發現一個工人，坐在地上看漫畫書。
老闆最痛恨工人在工作時間偷懶，便問：你一個月的月薪多少？
工人回答：三萬。老闆立刻叫秘書發給工人三萬塊，並且對著工人大叫：拿了錢給我滾！ 事後老闆問其他職員：那工人是誰介紹來的？
職員說：他不是我們公司的人，他是其他公司派來送貨的 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
兩隻母雞在樹下聊天，對面走來一隻腳步不穩，無精打采，垂頭喪氣的公雞，一隻母雞問：「怎麼啦？病啦？累成這樣？」
公雞說： 「做點小買賣累成的。」
另一隻母雞跟著問：> 「做啥買賣勞累成這樣呢？」
公雞臉紅，低下頭說：
> > .
> > .
> > . 「賣雞精。」